I started drinking at the end of a mentally abusive relationship. I was buying miniature bottles of vodka on the way home just to give me the courage to walk through the door.
Alcohol has always been around in my family. If we had friends round, we’d have a drink, and I used to enjoy going out for a drink at the weekend but I never thought it would end up like it did.
I finally plucked up the courage to leave my partner and took on a three-bedroomed house for me and my children. My eldest had left home, then my youngest went to live with his Dad so I was really lonely and used to drink vodka in the evenings to combat that loneliness.
Before I knew it, I had to give up my job because of the drinking. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I ended up in a homeless shelter, alienated from my family and on Universal Credit but I kept telling myself this was just a blip and I would sort it.
I was spending all my days in bed, drinking alone, and when I left the homeless shelter and got my own flat, it just made it worse because I was more and more isolated.
I kept thinking, I need to get back to normal. But all I was doing was lying in bed drinking. I would have phases where I would try to deal with it myself but I had become a shell of a woman who I didn’t recognise.
When I ran out of money every month, I would do a forced detox and that was awful. I would be shivering, vomiting – and then as soon as I got money, I would buy alcohol again and the cycle would repeat.
My dad died in 2020, and that made me realise, I don’t want to be next. I had to be honest with my family and realise I didn’t have the tools to get out of this situation without help.
In 2021, I went to a rehab in Lancashire for six months and every group I went to, every session, I wrote everything down.
When I came out, the real work began, changing my lifestyle so I didn’t drink, I used writing to help me, doing a journal and keeping in touch with my family. But things got tough and I relapsed.
I realised I needed help again, and rang the doctor, who referred me to Derby Drug and Alcohol Recovery Service.
I went through the programme with them and worked really hard, and they were amazing. I’ve been sober ever since.
Yes, I am an alcoholic and it has not been an easy journey but I’ve made it. I really enjoyed the cognitive behavioural therapy that DDARS offers and it made me realise I want to give something back.
I am starting a course in counselling and psychology and I’m volunteering at St Andrew’s House, helping others. I have realised that this bad thing I have been through has taught me a lot and I’m still learning every day. It has made me a better mum, daughter and friend because I’m now very understanding and I don’t judge people.
I am so grateful for little things. I used to be so frivolous – I had so many things. At one point I had a walk-in wardrobe full of clothes, and who needs that?
I am getting on with my life now and I’m so lucky to have such a supportive family. Now my children have their mum back and I really treasure that relationship.