I was a development manager in sales, where there was a massive drink and drug culture. You are only as good as your last month’s figures and you are always chasing your tail.
I had always used drink and drugs; I’m quite a creative person so I’ve been in bands and went to drama college – I thought I was Jimi Hendrix and was going to live fast and die young! I really thought I was bullet proof.
My life revolved around using drink and drugs and if I wasn’t using, I was obsessing about when I was next going to use. Everything else in my life happened on the periphery, even the big things like my kids being born.
I was using to get through family parties, coping with my daughter’s birthday party by sneaking out for whisky and weed. I used all the party drugs too, and crack cocaine.
As my addiction got worse, I started losing jobs because I took too much time off, I was off sick, I was missing deadlines and that just led me to use more as the problems in my life got worse.
In the end I’d lost everything – my kids, my family and my job. But when I closed the door behind me as I left my family, I felt nothing but relief. Nobody would be on at me to stop using.
I came off the Class As because I was sick of spending all that money but then just spent it all on whisky, spirits and weed. I was becoming psychotic.
I had a glimmer of reality that this wasn’t right, and the drink and drugs were causing all these problems, so I finally went to my doctor because I had suicidal thoughts. He prescribed me anti depressants and sent me to Derby Drug and Alcohol Recovery Service.
This made me realise – I was an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic and an addict and I will always be working on my recovery.
I went to all the keyworker sessions and counselling sessions and really threw myself into it, which is when I realised I didn’t know who I was. I’d been using for 30 years and when I tried to stop I would relapse because I didn’t know what I was supposed to be without the drink and drugs.
My keyworker saved my life. I did six months of residential rehab, and when I came out, because I didn’t connect with the recovery community, I relapsed.
I can live without drink or drugs while I’m in rehab, because it’s not there, but as soon as I’m in the community again, if I’m not connected to people in the same place, I will find myself with a drink in my hand.
This time I went away to rehab, and lived in supported accommodation for 18 months, getting myself to a point when I knew I could come back to Derby. I’d always kept in touch with DDARS and wanted to come back to this service that had helped me on the road to recovery.
I connected with them, and I’m now three years clean and helping to build up a recovery community.
I’m the Recovery Champion for the service and it is a pleasure to be working in this sector, running groups pretty much every day of the week and helping others.
It has changed my life. I am now more disciplined; I pay my bills, I go to the gym, eat healthily and I turn up when I say I will.
I am humbled to be part of it all; the support I’ve had from my managers and key workers has been phenomenal and it has given me the chance to make a difference to others.